Category: the Rant Board
Hi. Some people already know, I told you about it, but I need to make this public.
Now, some already know that mym other said she would cancel my flight to Bermuda if I don'T lose weight. I thought she might be happy that I now lost 14 pounds already and just said "okay, g o on, two months left". Instead, she threatens now, that, if I don't lose 10 pounds in the following four weeks, she will cancel it. And I could kill her! Or, at least, never come home again!! She would hurt me very much if she did that to me, I swear. I would not talk to her anymore ... honestly, I am nearly crying. This time she's really gone too far.
Well that does suck but if you lost 14 than 10 shouldn't be that hard right? I think... But it sounds like this is a big problem (no pun intended).
James
But not in four weeks, and not under pressure!!
it will be okay. i'm sure you're manage it.
Hm maybe, but it's still not right from her. She can support me, no problem, but she should not threaten me.
when your mother said she'd pay for your flight, did she put a target on it? i.e. did she say, if you lose a certain amount of weight ... if not, she has moved the goal posts and that hardly seems fair. It's one thing giving someone an insentive for doing something, but then changing it isn't fair and would almost imply that she's trying to back out of the agreement.
She said I should lose 30 pounds. This seems a try to motivate me at first, but now, it's too much.
This kind of ignorant abuse, can lead to eating disorders, as I have said so often before, inadequate people do this to hide their own self hatred.As you are losing weight and doing well, your mother cant stand the fact that you have the willpower and drive to succeed at something, when she feels so insecure about her own body........
I think its time you gave the bitch a taste of her own bitter medicine...
Well I agree totally this time.
Well if your woman continues with this emotional blackmail take some very nasty pictures of her and post them on the internet.....
There is a sight www.uglypeople.com who would be only too happy to have them..good luck
Hahahaha, well, I have no pictures of her, but I like the idea somehow.
Go ahead I'm sure she would be willing to compromise and even if you choose not to go ahead, she has the dread of knowing that you might, if she pushes too hard..
Yes, you're right. Maybe she will really compromise. She knows I would not talk to her the whole summer if she did that to me.
um, this would suggest that you want your mother to think she is ugly? and is she?
Ines, I think you should try to talk to your mom and point out that she is doing something very dangerous to you. She is forcing you to watch your weight very closely, worrying about every pound you lose or don't lose. One of two really nasty things can happen: Either you lose the weight, and are impressed with yourself at just what you can do, and are now so conscious of your weight, that you will just keep going, and slide into an anorexic or bulimic spiral. Alternatively, maybe you will not lose the weight, and since it is expected of you that you do, you will feel like a failure, and since you're mom is effectively telling you you're fat, you might just believe her, and start to think of yourself as fat, and begin to hate yourself for it. In either case, I'm sure this is not what your mom intends. Now, of course I'm only painting a worst-case scenario, and it is entirely possible that this leaves no lasting impressions on you, but I'm really concerned and curious whether your mom realizes that giving you this ultimatum might be a very dangerous thing.
this kind of drastic action would show mummy dearest that she cannot get away with repeated attacks of emotional blackmail...I think her mother realises exactly what the effects will be why else would she use such an abusive tactic ...abusers are usually well aware, of the effects of their behaviour...
Well Claire, she is not ugly, but sometimes I need a revanche. And, Susanne, I talked to her twice, so, believe me, this is not working.
It's your mothers money it's up to her how she spends it and she doesn't have to pay for your flight if shew doesn't want to. Yes it's harsh what she's doing, but at the end of the day that money isn't yours. If you had enough money you could pay for the flight yourself and just go preventing her from stopping you. Alternatively, Mat could always come to you. You're both a couple, so he has a duty to you to help you in this situation. My girlfriend always has my full support cooperation and assistance when she's faced with problems caused by her parents.
Well he coudl come but somehow it does not work. And, I agree, yes, it#s not my money, but, it is not fair. Then she could say no, she would not want to pay. That's ... well, not okay, but it is better than threatening me anyway, isn't it?
?Well you could say she is bribing you, and if it was me, I'd simply say yes or no, and wouldn't attach the terms she is attaching to it. However, It is her money so it's also her decision.
you're just weird Goblin! that's all I have to say .. and also, we don't know the whole situation, ie. what was said. I know from experience of myself, when children are angry, it's easy (sometimes we don't even know we're doing it) to exaggerate things to perfect strangers especially because we really don't know the parties involved! ya know ..
That's the problem with parents today, they harass their kids with all these weight dangerous comments, and they don't know how much that tears a person up inside. I mean, she's acting like the whole situation is all your fault, my thing is, if she wouldn've said such an ugly comment, then maybe you'd try your best in losing the weight but her threat isn't gonna make you feel any better and it's gonna make you feel insecure about yourself and eventually down the road as other messages have stated, you can end up with 2 major eating disorders anorrhexia and bulemia, wich can kill you. Lol no disrespect to your mom but I suggest she wears an empathy belly for like 24 hours and let her see what it really feels like having people make ugly remarks just cause you're carrying pounds of weight on you. If she doesn't get this taste of her own medicine, then I'm sorry to say but your mom has issues and need help.
WW I strongly disagree with you. I mean this girl is dealing with an issue that may not be her own fault. Yes it's her money, but she's doing this favor for the sake of her own daughter. I mean if her mom was a mom that really cares for her she would try to get Ines some help instead of making hurtful threats. I don't know, maybe she could help her workout? Whatever it takes for her to lose the weight, she's still her mother and the purpose of a parent like a mother is to support the kid no matter what.
Well Rdfreak, for once I totally agree with Goblin.
pretty harsh. and it's a pretty harsh call since we don't know the full situation!
oh Oh look out mum! Let us know how you get on..
Weird lol! If I'd a tenner for every time I've heard that...
Well as far as her mothers behaviour with regards the weight issue, well it's unacceptable and I don't in any way condone it. That's no way to treat your child, you should be supportive of her and in fact, if innesle's mother was deesent, she would have confronted her weight instead of waiting for her to get fat! I fully support Innesle in that issue, but as far as her mothers money is concerned, well that money is her mums as much as my money is mine!
well, I think that this did come up in another topic, that if you promise something on condition that your child do something, or if you threaten something, then you have to be prepared to follow it through. From what I remember, ines said that her mum had said she'd pay her air fair if she lost 30 pounds, ines said she has now lost 14 pounds, but still expects the reward, even though she has not yet met the target. so in reality, although her mum said she would pay for the air fair, she gave her an insentive to get the air fair paid for, if ines does not meet the target set for her, then in all fairness, her mum has the right to cancel the ticket. After all, her mum didn't say ... start to lose weight and i'll buy you a ticket, she said, if you lose 30 pounds, then I'll buy you a ticket, and as yet, she hasn't lost 30 pounds. as for the fact she's given her another month to lose 10 pounds, that is quite achieveable, and the fact she has moved the goal posts is most likely because if she cancels the flight less than 28 days before it is due, she will incur a penalty for doing so.
But Claire, can#t you understand that you can not do anything like that under pressure? And don't you realize that she would take away the only thing I am dreaming of and look forward to at the moment? Is it so hard to see that? Would you react that way? Honestly?
honestly? if i was going to put a target on something like that, I wouldn't have booked the ticket until the goal had been reached. to actually book the ticket and then threaten to cancel it is a little harsh I admit, if she did want to set a goal, then, as I just said above, she should have not booked the ticket until you had reached the goal that she set for you.
harsh!That was putting it far too mildly
Your mother's ultimatum is nothing short of emotional abuse and blackmail. If you don't sort her out permanately and mean every word of it, this kind of blackmail will continue and escalate out of all proportion. Believe me, I've seen this kind of abuse in action and the long term effects are not pretty, so dont wait until you are consumed with self hatred before deciding to act...
Claire, I never had to disagree with you and to agree with Goblin before, but, she is really blackmailing me and I can not do that under pressure. Think about that, think about what you would do if you were me.
ok let me extend this slightly. as children, we all disagreed with our parents at one time or another, all, every single one of us would have had at least one experience where we felt our parents were being unreasonable. and as parents, those of us who are parents, and those of us who will become parents, will experience at least one instance where our children feel we are being unreasonable. it's the way it is. sometimes it's true and the parents are being like that, but sometimes, as a parent, you do what you think is best, and although to others it might not be the best solution, it doesn't make it right or wrong, rarely do caring parents do things like this maliciously, and let's face it, if your mum didn't care about you, she wouldn't have offered to pay for your flight, a ticket which I would imagine, will not come cheap.
Innesle, I believe you're about 19, I may be wrong, you could be 20. Point is though that you are an adult. You are not a child. This means that you don't have to put up with your mums aggression or blackmail. Leave home, go live elsewhere. Then this problem will be solved. Okay there'll be the aftermath, but that's a lot easier to deal with usually than what caused it. Mat is in Worcester right? well why don't you change the arrangements so that he comes to you. It is cheaper that way for him to go to Germany from England than it is for you both to go to Bermuda from England and Germany. The financial problem is dealt with thi way and if you need any backup, been a devoted boyfriend, I'm sure he won't mind sorting out your mother and going as far as he needs to in order to deter her from ever wanting to cause you any problem ever again!
Wayne this does not solve my problem with her paying my flight. I will go and live elsewhere very soon, but at the moment this does not help. Claire, I agree with you, but then she could say "try to lose weight, make an effort" and should not set such a high target.
Would Mats parents be prepared to pay for the flight?
No, they weren't, as his mother already has to fly to London and this is expensive enough. There might have been cheaper flights, but my parents at least made sure that the flight contains a person who helps me to get from one flight to the other.
all flites should have a person to help you out. no matter what the cost is!
Insele listen there are organisations who have 1st hand experience of parental abuse,just ignore that eejit who said move out as if it's ever that easy. Just contact someone who can help you through this crap,because although you will have to cope with some very painful memories,the counselling support and advice will help..and once you have someone behind you who can honestly say I know how you feel your mother's abuse will begin to have less and less effect. She will be the 1 floundering and you will become stronger..so DONT listen to any more of WW's hollow patronising nonsense,talk to people who really do know what they are talking about...
I've just rescued my girlfriend from her parents so I know that if your partner is determined enough and loves you enough and devoted to you enough, he'll do anything to get you out of the situation as would any deesent person.
Goblin, I will really try and do that. I think you both are right in many cases.
Jeez, that's jus so sad. Ines, your mom mae a deal with you to lose 30 pounds and she would pay a very very expensive flight ticket for you and you don't have to do anything except lose that weight. You agreed to the deal, if you found it unfair you should have said so back then. Now she is even adjusting the target to 24 pounds. If you wanted this bad enough you could have worked out harder or gotten a job so you could pay this yourself, gifured out a way to go to school/university in England, flights from Germany to England are actually pretty cheap, hotels are not that expensive and a blindperson can totally travel by him/herself, I've travelled all over the U.S. and Europe and usually without any assistance. If I wre your mom and saw this message I'd cancel all flight ticket offers and just tell you to get a job. If this constitutes parental abuse then the world today 8is just a very sad place. If sh starved you or beat you up or took away your computer or lockedyou in your room or if she cancelled a flight ticket that you paid or something, sure, I would agree that's mean and harsh but judging by what you said about this discussion and how you talk abot your mum I can't she why she should even bother paying a ticket for you ever. If you want independence, move out, get a job, go to university, make it happen and you don't have to answer to anyone but yourself and yor money you can do with whatever you like. It's that simple.
That being said, good luck to you.
I hope you won't be too offended readig this but honestly, think about how this looks to someone who sees your post on the board.
Cheers
-B
Well this is not totally true. I agreed, but at first I wanted to persuade her. So I thought, well, before she says "okay, then I won't pay it at all", I better do my best. And I agreed to the first deal. Now my mother uses the first agreement to set me a further pressure, that is losing 10 pounds in four weeks. And I could not say yes or no, she just decided it. That is the truth.
mum's are never good with money.
we pay £30 a month for a sky box mum would raver pay 5 pence for an episode of 911. lazy mummy
Well Stargate, it's not only lazyness *smiles*. And I agree: 1000 Euros is a lot of money. Yes, I know that. But still ... see, my sister does her drivers licence one day. Who pays it? My mother. What does she want for it? Nothing. Her other daughter, me in that case, wants to go and see her BF again. Who should pay it? Mum. And what does she want? That I lose weight, under pressure. Do you think she treats us both equally?
Ines, well I still don't see the problem. You failed the first deal and she's offering you an alternative, you could say "no" to this and then she just won't pay for the ticket. I kow it may seem harsh but a deal is a deal. If I were you I'd sit down and talk her into agreeing to ths if you lost 6 ounds ten you've lost 20 pounds and that's very good I think and I think she would find it reasonable, you yelling at her and telling her what a horrible person she is is not going to be very conducive to her feeling reasonable abot things. And drivers license is different, it's an education for life and you mom, I am sure, will use that so that your sister will go to the store or pick her up etc, if the deal was about you going to school or something like that I don't think your mom would put restrictions or deals on that, seeing your bf just is a completely different thing honestly. I understand you may feel disappointed but I just think you're being very unreasonable towards your mom and that she's enabling you to do something wonderful. Of course I don't know the whole story, only wha youposted.
cheers
-B
Well, think about if you really could do that under pressure.
If you're determined to withstand pressure no matter how hard it is, you will, and that's where your boyfriend comes in. Because if he plays an active part in sorting the problem, it will be easier for you. That is why it is his duty as your boyfriend to give you the maximum help possible. I speak from experience.
Good luck Insele you show her pal...smile
So what should he do, Wayne? And, thanks, Goblin.
Ines, 6 pounds in 4 weeks, think about it, that's easy. People on nrmal Wegith Watcher diets lose an average of 2 pounds a week. Just keep doing what you've been doing you lost 14 pounds in 2 months if I'm ot misatken that would indicate another 6 pounds in the third month 7 to be exact. I think you should ask your mum whether that's not acceptible and I would imagine her agreeing to that, if not I could start seeing your point that she's being a bit unreasonable. But, again, why in the world don't you guys meet either in Germany or in England, the flights are probably less than 200 Euros round trip, you might be able to split those somehow and there you go, you could pay the flights yourselves and don't need parental intervention.
cheers
-B
WB is right. Mat should come to you, and if your parents give you any unnecessary abuse about your weight, then he should do whatever it takes to stop them. There's nothing he shouldn't be prepared to do to stop your mother from abusing you if he really cares about you and loves you. He should be prepared to make whatever sacrifices he needs to in order to give you a better life. Mat should defend you against all who attack you, so you don't have to do it on your own. He could fly from England when Worcester breaks up straight to Germany. You're parents will save money, and you'll have backup. If they try kicking him out then you have to prevent them. It can be done if you are willing enough to make sure it is.
WW, well, what are unnecessary worries about one's weight though. I mean if ines was way overweight (and I am not saying that she is, I don't know about that at all) they know being so overweight will cause diabetese, problems working and concentrating, unhealthy levels of all sorts of chemicals in the body and other health issues and they would feel responsible to try as hard as they can to encourage their her to do something about it before something serious happens. If they did that by starving her that would be abuse but if they give her incentives and set reasonable goals that she agrees to I think it's not an unfair thing to do. You can't force your children to behave a certain way but you can encourage them to because you love them and feel that's what they need to do.
I don't understand this fully, I've always had a superb connection with my parents, told them everything and always had their full support but I've always repsected what they wanted and if I disagreed with them talked things over instead of screaming or doing it anyways, sometimes I've brought them around to my point of view, sometimes they've explained why they feel I shouldn't do something and I decided not to do it. If parents and kids manage to talk things are just so much easier.
They are concerned and I have said before it's up to them how they spend their money. However, if they were responsible oparents, they wouldn't have waited until Innesle got fat before confronting her problem. They would have done everything to prevent it from occuring. Yes now they should give her insentives, but if she isn't allowed to meet her boyfriend because they won't let him go to Bermuda and he can't be bothered to make the effort to take a short flight from England to Germany, then that will upset her. As a result of her been upset, she may put on weight or they may cause psychological illnesses. Now what they could do is slightly increase her spending money everytime she meets their targets, or reward her in some way rather than punnishing her if she doesn't meet them. Yes I understand why they're concerned, they are right to be, but they should have been a lot earlier then this situation may not have occured. I understand also the concern of Mat's parents about him flying on his own, but Innesle, been a devoted boyfriend, he should nigotiate with his own parents. If they won't be persuaded, he should take measures which will enable him to fly to Germany on his own anyway. Failing that, you should come to England and meet him and you should both find somewhere to live in this country so you both don't have to deal with the problems your parents are causing. I know that would be very difficult, but I know for definite that it's not impossible. I know of people who have been able to find places to live who are visually impaired under 18 and have been treated in a way they didn't like by their parents. I know a lot of short term money may be involved, but if you organise your finances properly and responsibly and if Mat does the same, it won't be too hard. You are entitled to live anywhere in the EU, and if Mat has a British passport then he can live in this country. Bermudians can get British passports as can people living in our other 12 inhabited colonies.
Um, that was a bit too harsh, Wayne, I think.
Which part of what I said do you think was harsh Innesle?
WW, I would imagine that ines receives her social security. If it's anything in line with the rest of Europe that would be around 500 to 700 Euros a month, possibly 400 since she's living at home (and of course Germany could be totally different) so I don't seee why herparents should be giving her pocket money or, for that matter, why she couldn't afford to pay 200 Euros to go to England. Flying by oneself is trivial, it's not as if they are 12 or something, I've flown on my own since I was 18 and never encountered significant problems, there are hotels, taxis etc, there are even often airport hotels with shuttles to the airport that e.g. they could stay at for a weekend or something. Of course I don't know the story but I don't see why parents can't decidee on certain rule and incentives and why things like this can't be worked out by talking rather than the whole defying your parents thing, in most cases one's parents are loving and really care about their children and want to be a part of their lives, not an evil opperssive force that has to be defied no matter what the cost is. Once you start doing that you can burn your bridges and you may regret doing that later on.
Cheers
-B
It may though be the case that Innesle's parents collect her benefits for her. This happens especially to visually impaired people. It happened to me until I decided I wanted the hole lot. It was for that reason that I mentioned pocket money. If the parents don't have to pay anything, they will not in any way suffer by letting her see her boyfriend, and if Innesle hasn't been causing them or anyone else problems whilst been at home without provokation, there's no reason as to why she shouldn't be able to see her boyfriend.
Well, yeah, it is a bit weird if they took all her benefits and did not grant her any money, not even for this. In Iceland a special part of the Social Security payment is gas money and parental supervision money, about 15% of the payment, my parents didn't even take that but even if they had decided they wanted me to help them out with an additional 20% e.g. I would've done that. Fortunately I always had control over all my money and I feel that's the right thing to do. If your parents can sit down with you and you can decide they need financial help and they do help a lot and you work out a mutual agreement that's fair and dandy but they can't just go and take your money, because s.s. payments are your money after you turn 18 whichever way you look at it.
Well still think about that Matt has parents who might not want him to fly. You sounded like it was his fault.
Well, flying is the safest mode of transportation and the only way to get backand forth from Bermuda to the UK that I knw off that takes less than a day so I would imagine they have no problem with him flying pe say, after all he's flying home. If by flying you mean flying to Germany I supposeit's valid but once you're 18 you can start making some of your own decissions or reason it out or you could fly to the UK instead of all the way to Bermuda. That being said Bermuda sounds infinitely nicer in terms of weather, beaches and nice ocean (no offense to the good people of Great Britain here bt you're weather is not exactly the greatest and your oceans are cold). ;)
cheers
-B
Well then the question is ... which matters most, what his parents want or what you need? If he loves you enough, he'll come to Germany if you can't leave Germany.
Well you know what, ask him! I can#t say that! I mean, it doesn'T matter. The flight is booked. The question is that my mother will take the booking back if I don't lose weight. And until I find out if she does or if not, no other flight, such as he flying to me, can be booked!!
Yes it can. You've got time on your hands which needs to be used. Your mum may not tell you until the last minute. She doesn't have to rush to cancil the flight. She could leave it until a couple of days before you go if she wanted to. Then he'd have to come to you from Bermuda and that will cost lots of money which I doubt he'd be prepared to spend. The reason I think he should come to you is this. If he agrees to come to you, then your mum can cancil the flight to Bermuda. Also, she won't be able to use it as an excuse to put pressure on you so she'll be faced with a choice. She can either stop putting pressure on you because she'll have no reason, or find something else to pressurise you with. If she chooses to find another thing to bribe you with, it will become clear that her intentions are just to keep putting pressure on you. If Mat comes to defend you whilst this is going on and you both decide that you should leave that environment, then Mat can help you get settled elsewhere whether it be in Germany or somewhere else. He can be the person you turn to for support, encouragement and perhaps guidance so you don't feel alone in the situation. If your mum however doesn't resort to putting more pressure on you, you can both enjoy a good holiday and a lot of money will have been saved becaus e Germany is a lot closer to England than Bermuda is.
Well this is your opinion. I do not agree, but still I accept that opinion. I am sure there are reasons why he doesn't come to Germany, I suggest you ask him if you see him next time.
Ines eehm I would rather think that's your problem to ask him why he does not come see you, if he can't or doesn't want to or whatever. Hehe, personally I don't care if you guys see each other or not, and I certainly wish you the best but eehm well if you started seeing each other in Europe imagine how much more often you get to see him and how much cheaper it would be.
Cheers
-B
I tried to explain why this is not working. I did ask him. If you want to know exactly why, then, ask him!!
wow this topic has moved on somewhat since I last was here. firstly, people wanna be very, very careful about talking about parental abuce and getting help with it ... etc, inesle do you really think your mother is a child abuser? now be very careful before answering that, because if you say yes, you have to have very good grounds for saying so. yes abuce can take on more than just physical forms there is emotional abuce as well, but one target does not constitute child abuce in my view. Yes maybe your mother was being unreasonable by moving the goal posts, but we've all thought that of our parents at some point or another, that does not make us all victims of abuce. now bear in mind, that if you do think your mother is a child abuser as some on here would have you think, that you can get help but before you do, bear in mind that this will totally, and i mean totally, obliterate any relationship you have with your family, and I mean all your family, because if your sister doesn't think this, or your dad, or any extended family, you could be totally austrosized by the rest of your family for making such claims. just bear that in mind before you go and make any rash decisions to get professional help to escape from your abusive parent.
secondly, and this perhaps might sound a bit harsh, and maybe not something you'll want to hear, but if the only option is for you to go to bermuda for a holiday to see Mat, if he won't or can't come to Germany, or you can't go to England, what future do the two of you really have? I do wish you the best but .. just a thought.
Well from what Innesle is saying he doesn't seem to be making much of an effort though we haven't got his point of view. If both people don't make as much effort as is possible to make the relationship work and overcome any obsticles getting in their way, eventually it will end.